the NEW start of our adoption journey.

As of September 1st, The International Russian Adoption Program changed. Russia is trying really, really hard to change the face of adoption as Russians see it.Russia is trying really, really hard to find ways and have 'their own' adopt 'their own'. AMAZING for Russia as a country. Amazing Russia is trying to make it easier for domestic adoption for themselves. So, what does all this mean for Bryan and I? Well for starters, they are upping training for International adoption BY.A.LOT. Sibling sets are going (and have been) far and few between. Travel (for us) was not looking like it would be in the near future.

Bryan and I spoke to a couple of people at our agency. And friends. And family. And our Pastor. We were trying to do our due diligence. We needed to know what all this craziness meant for us. What are we supposed to do? And what would our options be and look like? Really, I just wanted to know what my future looked like. I wanted photos of my children. I wanted dates for travel. And I wanted it all y.e.s.t.e.r.d.a.y. already. To make a long story short, I will simply say our adoption door to Russia has closed for us.

i cried (a lot)
i prayed (more than ever in my life)
i had a panic attack (a big one)
i mourned (for weeks)

All for what I thought my future held. I felt like I was 'jumping ship'. Like I wasn't trying hard enough. I felt like we started in Russia, we need to finish there. What I didn't see as I was in the 'thick' of emptiness, was that where one door closed, another one was opening.

When people asked me early on in our process "Russia? Why are you going to Russia to adopt?" I always said because that is where our agency said we 'fit' with. Our criteria 'matched' with Russia the best, so that is where we went. We really didn't 'pick' the country. It was just where the door opened. They made us feel like we were needed there.

but now (as I smile)
i can say (as my heart jumps)
with 100% (hands sweating)

That GOD (as of August 21st) has placed us in Haiti!!! How do I know it was God? Because I feel it in my gut. I know it in my heart. My mind goes in circles when I think of it. I know God has his hand in our process because I get a tingle. a flutter. a tear. The feeling of "I am here" and the gentle sounds of God "whispers". The feeling of a hand on your back and knowing it is God, because no one else is there. It is simply His Presence that I can now feel...a feeling a peace and gratitude. The feeling of knowing that I am now in the right place at the right time in the exact moment of where God wants me to be.

Yes, it was a complete and total heart shattering experience of having referrals not work from Russia. It was a sickening feeling saying 'no, these boys will not work for our family right now'. It was mind boggling that a family came to rescue the sibling set I thought we would be bringing home (after they had been in the orphanage for a year). Who does that? Now, I can say God.  There is a reason those two precious brothers needed their family. There is a reason those boys needed to stay in Russia. There is a reason two boys 'medically' didn't mesh with our family. There is a reason why.

THE REASON IS...
MY CHILDREN...
ARE...
IN...
HAITI.

God started our adoption journey in Russia. He will follow us, love us, guide us and whisper to us while we finish our adoption journey in Haiti! On August 18th I had a conversation with my Uncle. I was confused as to what we should be doing. Where do go? Who can give me the answers as to what we should be thinking about. I felt like I needed (and so very badly wanted) an airplane with a banner  behind it. I wanted to 'see' Haiti or Russia. I wanted to read scripture that would tell me my answers to my bazillion questions. My Uncle Bill, a Pastor, and an adoptive parent said to me quietly with a gentle hug, "You don't need to know the answers...you only need to know the One who does".

I found my answers. It wasn't just like that, with the snap of my fingers (I tried). Or a twitch of my nose. Or the clicking of my heels. Or reading 'certain' verses. It was in a bazillion little things, in many instances. In conversations. In prayer. In research. And most of all, my answers came from the whisper of God. I know what I know because I know the One who knows! I know because I see our children in my dreams. Their fuzzy heads of hair. Their big black eyes. Their Hershey chocolate skin. I know because I feel our children's hands holding mine. Their little feet standing on my lap. I know because He has made my vision clear and my body restless; eager to meet our children when the timing is right.

Because His timing is perfect and His will be done. And until that day comes I will be waiting and praying and enjoying this 'calm' of three loud and boisterous kids before the 'storm' of five kids pull me in every direction. My heart is full.